[Satire Alert]
OK, listen up you worms. I may not be able to belt you, but I do get to teach you. But lets make things clear - my success rate isn't particularly good. Illiteracy is on the way up....what's that Ure? Illiteracy? No, I'm not saying you are a bastard, that's illegitimacy. I'm just saying your inability to comprehend the English language is not my fault. Now, there are a few other things that are inevitable.
Firstly, some of you are going to steal. Armed robbery is on the cards and we need to face this like adults. I'm not here to say whether that is right or wrong. I'm just saying minimise the consequences. So here's a ski mask. Wear it, and chances are you wont get caught. Well, actually, statistically, 30% of all robbers who wear ski masks for at least some of the time, will get caught eventually, but hey - 70% is probably the highest mark you'll ever achieve.
Secondly, some of you are going to have sex. Sex is on the cards and we need to face this like adults. Yes, I know you are only 12, but that's not the point. I'm assuming here you are not going to listen to your parents, and I certainly don't want to give you any kind of message, so in the spirit of neutrality, here is a packet of condoms. Wear it and chances are you wont get caught out. Well, actually, statistically, 30% of all kids who wear condoms for at least some of the time, will get caught eventually, STI's, pregnancy, or perhaps a latex allergy - but hey - 70% is probably the highest mark you'll possibly ever achieve. Unless you decide to steal them. Then you might get what we call in the business "a double major".
Thirdly, some of you are going to be abused by a teacher. In the old days we used tennis balls, but we dont do that now. No, we'll abuse you just by following the standard curriculum. It's no wonder rates for teenage substance abuse are expected to climb. In fact, I'll see if I can get a supply of that for you too. We all know you are going to try it, so we may as well encourage you...Jenkins, put down that meat pie - don't you know they've been banned?
OK, listen up you worms. I may not be able to belt you, but I do get to teach you. But lets make things clear - my success rate isn't particularly good. Illiteracy is on the way up....what's that Ure? Illiteracy? No, I'm not saying you are a bastard, that's illegitimacy. I'm just saying your inability to comprehend the English language is not my fault. Now, there are a few other things that are inevitable.
Firstly, some of you are going to steal. Armed robbery is on the cards and we need to face this like adults. I'm not here to say whether that is right or wrong. I'm just saying minimise the consequences. So here's a ski mask. Wear it, and chances are you wont get caught. Well, actually, statistically, 30% of all robbers who wear ski masks for at least some of the time, will get caught eventually, but hey - 70% is probably the highest mark you'll ever achieve.
Secondly, some of you are going to have sex. Sex is on the cards and we need to face this like adults. Yes, I know you are only 12, but that's not the point. I'm assuming here you are not going to listen to your parents, and I certainly don't want to give you any kind of message, so in the spirit of neutrality, here is a packet of condoms. Wear it and chances are you wont get caught out. Well, actually, statistically, 30% of all kids who wear condoms for at least some of the time, will get caught eventually, STI's, pregnancy, or perhaps a latex allergy - but hey - 70% is probably the highest mark you'll possibly ever achieve. Unless you decide to steal them. Then you might get what we call in the business "a double major".
Thirdly, some of you are going to be abused by a teacher. In the old days we used tennis balls, but we dont do that now. No, we'll abuse you just by following the standard curriculum. It's no wonder rates for teenage substance abuse are expected to climb. In fact, I'll see if I can get a supply of that for you too. We all know you are going to try it, so we may as well encourage you...Jenkins, put down that meat pie - don't you know they've been banned?
Funny, but in a scary sort of way, it's the world now.
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