Pay your taxes, but don't ask why

I've been asked to ensure people understand this letter DID NOT come from Jenny Rowan, or anyone associated with Jenny Rowan. This letter DOES NOT EXIST, and the opinions expressed within would be DENIED by Jenny Rowan should she be made aware of the existence of this letter (nudge nudge wink wink, say no more).

Zen Tiger
Rate Payer of Kapiti Coast


Dear ZenTiger

PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL

In the recent elections for Mayor of Kapiti Coast District Council, I've campaigned on a platform of transparency. I said on my web site "An open process of communication needs to be in place with each community about what is going on at council and how it affects them."

I didn't mean it of course. People need to realise that I am committed to transparency only when it suits my purposes.

So I signed a cheque for $280,000 and threw in the keys to a European Import because our Chief Executive was pushed or resigned (not telling - nyah nyah) after only 9 months on the job. Now, you might be thinking a year and a half's salary as severance would only be necessary if there was a huge scandal brewing or the Council is incredibly stupid. You'd be right. There would be no other reasons that we would make such a big payout. Which is also why I cannot afford this process to be transparent.

I've hit on this brilliant idea that if I sign a confidentiality agreement, then I can pretend that I'd like this to be transparent, but I can't, because I signed this confidentiality agreement. And just so no other Councilors get an attack of election pledge-itis, I signed this agreement on their behalf too. Now their hands are tied. Of course, I didn't have to sign this. I could have said "No, I can't sign this. I was elected on a platform of honesty, integrity and will act transparently". I could have said to the CEO "take your blood money, but the public have a right to know".

But I didn't.

Instead I cooked up this scheme to ensure the public will not find out just why we managed to hire the wrong person for the job, and spend over $500,000 in the process only to be back at square one.

Anyway, I digress. I come to the point of the letter.

Given that I have indicated to rate payers I would be transparent in my decisions, and that this wasting of $500,000 of rate payers money cannot ever be brought to the light of day, I cooked up another scheme. I'm going to declare to them that NO RATE PAYER will be affected by this decision.

And that is so close to the truth, that I surprise myself sometimes. You see, out of the tens of thousands of ratepayers, only one will actually be affected, and that is a pretty low percentage. If truth = zero, then 1 divided by tens of thousands is so close to zero, it must be the truth.

And you are the ONE person that we have decided to bail us out. So as a rate payer, paying over $2,000 per annum in rates, I calculate our little backroom deal is going to tie up your rates for 160 years. That's 160 years of your rates, and I am not at liberty to tell you WHY you have to pay them, other than you know the ex CEO is going to get the money.

The problem I have is that your payment scheme of $2,000pa is a little slow for me to manage the spin control. Therefore, if I can have the money up front, it would be appreciated. In return, I can offer you use of a council car, a council petrol account, the use of a council flat, a library card, and zero dog license fees for the next 83 years. And of course, should your rates go up in the future, you'll only have to pay the difference. Plus GST.

If you are interested, please sign the attached confidentiality agreement, and remember, not a word to anyone.

Regards
Jenny Rowan
Mayor, KCDC

Related Link: To Come