Monday, December 17, 2007

ZenTiger No hard feelings mate

An Australian, a South African and a New Zealand cricket fan are all in Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of consuming booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day, their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The South African was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Australian was next up. After watching the South African's horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Australian was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do) [Cheap shot left in against editor's wishes, but then I thought back to seeing 1 for zero the other night].

The New Zealander was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", the Kiwi replied. In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave", the Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish"?

"Tie the Australian to my back."

16 comment(s):

KG said...

That's hate speech, that is!

Anonymous said...

Its a shame Trevor Mallard isn't Australian...

KG said...

We wouldn't have the bastard.

I.M Fletcher said...

LOL, I heard this some months ago on Thomas the Tanked Engine on Haukari.

MathewK said...

Can we choose which Australian? There are a couple of them yearning for that part of the world, that i'd love to provide a first-hand experience to.

Anonymous said...

Typical Kiwi Bludgers

Live in Australia for a few years. Return to NZ with real (Oz) money in your pocket. On return, subscribe to the two-heads-is-better than one philosophy, ie, become third-class Tasmanians. Better still, disband your defence forces and allow another country (Oz) to provide 90% of your defence capability. Then whinge about the country (Oz) that has protected you from reality and supported your economy since 1941. Oh, and then consistently lose at the only activity your pathetic mob is supposed to be the best in history at - the Rugby World Cup. Elect the ugliest PM in the world, the only one with with wooden teeth since George Washington. And then whinge about it. Typical Kiwis - all mouth, no ticker, South Sea Poms.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and just to reinforce another fact. In Oz, Rugby is the number 4 winter sport, after Aussie Rules, Rugby League, and Soccer. I hope this makes you 'bros' feel better. Losers.

Anonymous said...


Allow some lowlifes to STEAL the Victoria Crosses of Charles Upham (VC and Bar). Well done. How more pathetic can you get. The Australian War Memorial in Canberra has in excess of 50 VCs on display. In future, if you wish to see some real VCs on dispaly, you are welcome to visit Canberra and see what your country used to represent. God bless.

KG said...

Fair go, anonymous--lighten up fer gawdsakes!
It was a joke. You know, J.O.K.E.
I'm an Aussie, by the way, but big enough to take a bloody joke.

Anonymous said...

KG - hang on a minute. It's possible that Anonymous has a close relative who passed away being flogged to death on the back of a Kiwi. This may have brought back painful memories.

Let him vent.


ZenTiger said...

Geez, anon. Have a Boags and chill. You make valid points, but given you've just elected Rudd and his mob, perhaps you shouldn't be so cocky.

ZenTiger said...

Good point DenMT.

being flogged to death on the back of a Kiwi.

Sounds a bit like the Melbourne Cup.

KG said...


Anonymous said...


I apologise for my rants from yesterday. Recurrent physical pain combined with a little too much Christmas spirits resulted in me expressing some uncharitable comments. I should probably also apologise to Tasmanians in the same breath.

I was actually in NZ in January, and the people I met were wonderful. They did however seem obliged to make many anti-Australian comments, for no apparent reason. Why is this so? I deliberately bit my tongue on each occasion.

Whilst there, I visited the cathedral in Auckland, which was unfortunately under renovation.

In partial mitigation I did serve in the Solomon Islands with a few Kiwis in 2001-2002. A mixed bunch.

KG said...

I daresay we seem a pretty mixed bunch to Kiwis, Anon. That's what makes the trans-Tasman bickering so much fun. :-)

Greg said...

After today's (Thursday) dissapointment as a new zealand cricket fan I'd select a new zealand cricketeer to take the 100 lashes instead of the aussie.

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