I went down to the local pool for a swim last Tuesday.
"How much for a swim?", I asked.
"A Kate Sheppard"
"10 bucks! That's gone up a bit since last time"
"Yes, we have special pool sessions put aside for various groups of people, but usually only one or two of them show up, so we charge a bit more for the general sessions."
"Sounds a bit socialist, but here's the money", I said handing over the blue duck.
"Right, see you Friday" said the young lad behind the counter.
"Sorry? I came for a swim now".
"No can do. It's Muslim Women swimming hour. After that it leads into Women Only Swimming Hour, followed by Lesbian Swimming Hour, and then 30 minutes for transsexuals. Plus they get undressed in the mens and change after their swim in the ladies. They seem to appreciate the symbolism.
Then we drain the pool to half and allow Croatian Dwarves 90 minutes. Never realised it, but we have a thriving community of Croatian Dwarves. After that we throw in the epileptics and wash the towels. Then we refill the pool with Holy Water and allow the Born Again Christians to perform baptisms with our Wave Machine on half power.
Tomorrow morning is reserved for the left wing agnostics. Atheists get the lunch hour and communists have the far left lanes of the lap pool and the Greens swim in the other direction so they also get the lanes on the far left, and we have to turn off all the lights and we power the water filters by hand crank and a solar powered battery which does piss all but keeps them happy.
Thursday is reserved for any groups that consider themselves an elite minority. We have also contracted out the pool to the CIA who bring in suspects for a swim. The water temperature is always set to 1 degree colder, because Amnesty International come in afterwards to test the water and then complain that this amounts to torture. The CIA like giving them a stir.
So Friday is the earliest we can let you in. Hang-on, there may be something we can do for you. Are you gay?"
"As much as I'd like a swim, I have to say, no"
"Are you in a Union?"
"No"
"On a hospital waiting list?"
"No"
"That's a rarity. Dying breed these people without health problems. So you haven't had your leg shot off recently, by any chance?"
"No"
"Pity, could have put you in for an hour in the rehab pool. It's circular. Have you requested political asylum and destroyed your passport?"
"No"
"That rules out the political refugee support program. Personally, I find those guys are so annoying. They show up at the wrong session time, strip off and shove their clothes in the locker and flush the key down the toilet. Then they run screaming into the pool area and shout "you must have me. Take me. Take me." Last time one guy burst naked into the gay prisoner tread water session. Wrong thing to say."
"Look, I'd really like a swim. Are there any other pools nearby?"
"Yes, actually. The council has just built a special pool down the street for the exclusive use of unfit Muslim Women."
"Exclusive?"
"Well, not exactly. The society for middle age white males with a reasonable income have just gone through a long civil lawsuit process. It seems the exclusive pool across the road must allow this much maligned social group at least 20 minutes per week. If you hurry, you might just make it."
"Can I have my ten bucks back?"
"Sorry, once its in the til, it's legally Cullen's. Retrospective legislation being passed next week to validate this practice."
"Bugger"
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Yes, this is an post from Jan 13 2007. I'm just archiving a few of my old posts from Sir Humphrey's (the few I can find at least) if the mood strikes. Obviously, when I wrote it, I was in one of those moods too...
DomPost, via Stuff: Muslim women want their own pools [Original link now offline]
Herald: Muslim women risk getting fat without their own pools
Dominican Today: Burqini may be solution to public swimming
"How much for a swim?", I asked.
"A Kate Sheppard"
"10 bucks! That's gone up a bit since last time"
"Yes, we have special pool sessions put aside for various groups of people, but usually only one or two of them show up, so we charge a bit more for the general sessions."
"Sounds a bit socialist, but here's the money", I said handing over the blue duck.
"Right, see you Friday" said the young lad behind the counter.
"Sorry? I came for a swim now".
"No can do. It's Muslim Women swimming hour. After that it leads into Women Only Swimming Hour, followed by Lesbian Swimming Hour, and then 30 minutes for transsexuals. Plus they get undressed in the mens and change after their swim in the ladies. They seem to appreciate the symbolism.
Then we drain the pool to half and allow Croatian Dwarves 90 minutes. Never realised it, but we have a thriving community of Croatian Dwarves. After that we throw in the epileptics and wash the towels. Then we refill the pool with Holy Water and allow the Born Again Christians to perform baptisms with our Wave Machine on half power.
Tomorrow morning is reserved for the left wing agnostics. Atheists get the lunch hour and communists have the far left lanes of the lap pool and the Greens swim in the other direction so they also get the lanes on the far left, and we have to turn off all the lights and we power the water filters by hand crank and a solar powered battery which does piss all but keeps them happy.
Thursday is reserved for any groups that consider themselves an elite minority. We have also contracted out the pool to the CIA who bring in suspects for a swim. The water temperature is always set to 1 degree colder, because Amnesty International come in afterwards to test the water and then complain that this amounts to torture. The CIA like giving them a stir.
So Friday is the earliest we can let you in. Hang-on, there may be something we can do for you. Are you gay?"
"As much as I'd like a swim, I have to say, no"
"Are you in a Union?"
"No"
"On a hospital waiting list?"
"No"
"That's a rarity. Dying breed these people without health problems. So you haven't had your leg shot off recently, by any chance?"
"No"
"Pity, could have put you in for an hour in the rehab pool. It's circular. Have you requested political asylum and destroyed your passport?"
"No"
"That rules out the political refugee support program. Personally, I find those guys are so annoying. They show up at the wrong session time, strip off and shove their clothes in the locker and flush the key down the toilet. Then they run screaming into the pool area and shout "you must have me. Take me. Take me." Last time one guy burst naked into the gay prisoner tread water session. Wrong thing to say."
"Look, I'd really like a swim. Are there any other pools nearby?"
"Yes, actually. The council has just built a special pool down the street for the exclusive use of unfit Muslim Women."
"Exclusive?"
"Well, not exactly. The society for middle age white males with a reasonable income have just gone through a long civil lawsuit process. It seems the exclusive pool across the road must allow this much maligned social group at least 20 minutes per week. If you hurry, you might just make it."
"Can I have my ten bucks back?"
"Sorry, once its in the til, it's legally Cullen's. Retrospective legislation being passed next week to validate this practice."
"Bugger"
Christchurch Muslim Naaz Shah said there was nowhere for Muslim women to swim without compromising their religious beliefs.
Because of this, many Muslim women had no opportunities to exercise and were putting on weight.
"They become medically unfit. Their health is affected and they're quite depressed."
Federation of Islamic Associations of New Zealand chief executive Sultan Eusoff backed the idea of a special pool for Muslims, and said privacy and modesty were very important for followers of Islam.
-------
Yes, this is an post from Jan 13 2007. I'm just archiving a few of my old posts from Sir Humphrey's (the few I can find at least) if the mood strikes. Obviously, when I wrote it, I was in one of those moods too...
DomPost, via Stuff: Muslim women want their own pools [Original link now offline]
Herald: Muslim women risk getting fat without their own pools
Dominican Today: Burqini may be solution to public swimming
Yes, I can see that happening if we don't watch it. If they want to build their own pool, good on them. If they want to hire out an entire pool at market rates for a set time so they have privacy, good on them. But there is no need for anyone else to pay for a pool to suit their particular requirements.
ReplyDeleteI think the main pool in Christchurch actually does have some time set aside for private swimming for Muslim women, and the Burqini seems also a good option.
ReplyDeleteIndeed, asking for a government or council handout is not going to be supported by many people.
The thing that struck me was if every special interest group got their own pool time, the only way the average family could get a swim would be to join a politically correct special interest group.
Heh, I thought this was familiar as I started reading it.
ReplyDeletethis is brilliant mate.
ReplyDelete