I came across this old blog post predicting the text of Russel Norman's 2007 State of the Planet speech at the Annual Green Party Waiheke Island picnic. I reckon I was reasonably accurate, or maybe even ahead of the times - With the elections looming, he could polish this up a bit and re-use it. It kind of ties in with their election campaign, where in one advertisement, they imply that your party vote gets their policies, which will save not just New Zealand, but the entire planet.
[Speech by Russel Norman, Co-Leader, NZ Greens]
It’s great to be back on beautiful Waiheke Island. Thank you to the Waiheke Greens for organising this traditional Picnic for the Planet. But alas, this year is no picnic. IT IS NO PICNIC. The weather has deserted us, and we know the reason why. The Earth speaks to us, and the Greens are the only party prepared to answer her.
I'd like everyone to think of me as the George Bush of the environment. I am the man who will go to war. But this is the right war to have. This is a good war to have.
I am declaring war on Climate Change. I am declaring war on the terrorist organisations that promote Climate Change. The USA. China. Australia. India. We all know who they are. We know our enemies. But these are just the pawns of their evil masters: ExxonMobil, British Petroleum, Mobil, Shell, Caltex, Chevron, Texaco, Gulf and Pak n' Save discount fuel.
We must not also forget the seductive ideology of consumerism, and the blame falls squarely on MacDonalds, Pizza Hut, and Subway. It falls on Nike, Country Road and Dior. It falls on Monsanto, Glaxo-Kline and the dreaded GE and GE. Yes. General Electric and Genetic Engineering.
It falls on all the people of New Zealand who failed to vote Green.
Are we alone in this battle? No, my fellow druids. There has formed a Kyoto Protocol of the Whining. We are members of this grand Kyoto-lition. Their support shall be our strength.
And we need strength. We need resolve. This government has failed us. This government is too frightened to do what needs to be done.
It is too frightened to do what needs to be done.
But I am not. Give me your votes. Give me the power I need to save our planet. I do this not just to save it for myself. I do this not just to save you. I do this not just to save it for your children, and your children's children. I do this because the planet deserves this. God made this planet for a reason. And that reason was to prove Man can only trust nature. Because God doesn't exist. God knew this and so created us with one true purpose: to protect nature. Protecting nature is our natural vocation. We are stewards of Gaia. We are her children, and we must look after her as she looks after us.
So I have created a score card. And I have scored our enemies. Helen Clark is the Queen of Spades. She is worth 50 points. The National Party are represented as the jack of hearts. Because they jacked us around and broke our heart. They are worth 5 points, and a carbon credit of 23 tonnes. The Business Round Table (BRT) shall be the King of Hearts, and are a most dangerous foe indeed. They will whine. They will complain at some of the measures I propose, but we must do it. Think not of your jobs. Think not of your mortgage. Think not of your usual life, for our plan is to radically change it to ways you cannot comprehend. We do this for your own good. We do this for the planet's own good. We do this because it is inevitable. There are no alternatives to the future we paint. There are no other possible outcomes other than our worst case scenarios. And can you risk it otherwise?
Our plans are bold. They are fresh. They are realistic. Small changes, such as banning pesticides. Banning cars. Banning tourism. Banning imports. Banning trucks. Banning coal. Banning hydro. Banning nuclear power. Banning Trade Agreements. Banning Americans.
They are offset by discounted bike purchases. We will increase the rail track and we will use wind assisted boats to deliver freight, anywhere, on time. As the water levels rise by a predicted 12 metres in the next 3 years, you will see how much foresight we displayed.
So thank you for coming to this picnic. But remember, it is no picnic. The war is on. And like George Bush, I, Russel Norman am the only one with big enough balls to take on the terrorists of Global Warming. Oh, and Jeanette. She also has the balls. Think of her as Condi, but whiter and older.
Finally, I want to thank everyone that came out here today, but I can't. I noticed most of you bastards drove to the wharves, then took a diesel powered boat out to Waiheke Island instead of biking and then using a row boat. Having small kids is no excuse. You lot really get me going. Think about it.
For those that planted some flora to balance their Eco-Footprint, I'd also like to advise that the police are not accepting this as a reason for being in possession of Marijuana plants.
Thank you, and pass the watermelon.
Related Link: Greens declare war on other parties
Related Link: Final Speech Transcript - Courage and Climate Change
[Speech by Russel Norman, Co-Leader, NZ Greens]
It’s great to be back on beautiful Waiheke Island. Thank you to the Waiheke Greens for organising this traditional Picnic for the Planet. But alas, this year is no picnic. IT IS NO PICNIC. The weather has deserted us, and we know the reason why. The Earth speaks to us, and the Greens are the only party prepared to answer her.
I'd like everyone to think of me as the George Bush of the environment. I am the man who will go to war. But this is the right war to have. This is a good war to have.
I am declaring war on Climate Change. I am declaring war on the terrorist organisations that promote Climate Change. The USA. China. Australia. India. We all know who they are. We know our enemies. But these are just the pawns of their evil masters: ExxonMobil, British Petroleum, Mobil, Shell, Caltex, Chevron, Texaco, Gulf and Pak n' Save discount fuel.
We must not also forget the seductive ideology of consumerism, and the blame falls squarely on MacDonalds, Pizza Hut, and Subway. It falls on Nike, Country Road and Dior. It falls on Monsanto, Glaxo-Kline and the dreaded GE and GE. Yes. General Electric and Genetic Engineering.
It falls on all the people of New Zealand who failed to vote Green.
Are we alone in this battle? No, my fellow druids. There has formed a Kyoto Protocol of the Whining. We are members of this grand Kyoto-lition. Their support shall be our strength.
And we need strength. We need resolve. This government has failed us. This government is too frightened to do what needs to be done.
It is too frightened to do what needs to be done.
But I am not. Give me your votes. Give me the power I need to save our planet. I do this not just to save it for myself. I do this not just to save you. I do this not just to save it for your children, and your children's children. I do this because the planet deserves this. God made this planet for a reason. And that reason was to prove Man can only trust nature. Because God doesn't exist. God knew this and so created us with one true purpose: to protect nature. Protecting nature is our natural vocation. We are stewards of Gaia. We are her children, and we must look after her as she looks after us.
So I have created a score card. And I have scored our enemies. Helen Clark is the Queen of Spades. She is worth 50 points. The National Party are represented as the jack of hearts. Because they jacked us around and broke our heart. They are worth 5 points, and a carbon credit of 23 tonnes. The Business Round Table (BRT) shall be the King of Hearts, and are a most dangerous foe indeed. They will whine. They will complain at some of the measures I propose, but we must do it. Think not of your jobs. Think not of your mortgage. Think not of your usual life, for our plan is to radically change it to ways you cannot comprehend. We do this for your own good. We do this for the planet's own good. We do this because it is inevitable. There are no alternatives to the future we paint. There are no other possible outcomes other than our worst case scenarios. And can you risk it otherwise?
Our plans are bold. They are fresh. They are realistic. Small changes, such as banning pesticides. Banning cars. Banning tourism. Banning imports. Banning trucks. Banning coal. Banning hydro. Banning nuclear power. Banning Trade Agreements. Banning Americans.
They are offset by discounted bike purchases. We will increase the rail track and we will use wind assisted boats to deliver freight, anywhere, on time. As the water levels rise by a predicted 12 metres in the next 3 years, you will see how much foresight we displayed.
So thank you for coming to this picnic. But remember, it is no picnic. The war is on. And like George Bush, I, Russel Norman am the only one with big enough balls to take on the terrorists of Global Warming. Oh, and Jeanette. She also has the balls. Think of her as Condi, but whiter and older.
Finally, I want to thank everyone that came out here today, but I can't. I noticed most of you bastards drove to the wharves, then took a diesel powered boat out to Waiheke Island instead of biking and then using a row boat. Having small kids is no excuse. You lot really get me going. Think about it.
For those that planted some flora to balance their Eco-Footprint, I'd also like to advise that the police are not accepting this as a reason for being in possession of Marijuana plants.
Thank you, and pass the watermelon.
Related Link: Greens declare war on other parties
Related Link: Final Speech Transcript - Courage and Climate Change
Though it's satire, you ain't that far off Zen. These loonies really do think like that.
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