Friday, December 24, 2010

ZenTiger Ministers On Strike

Spokesman for the Ministry of Entitlements, Chris Carter, has announced that all MPS are going on strike from today in the wake of the government's offer to Ministers of a meager 1.4% pay-rise (backdated), an increase in tax free allowances and a cash payment offer for unused travel perks.

"This is just not good enough" said Chris, "so all MPS are going on strike until such time as the remuneration authority realises the incalculable damage they are doing to the country by not allowing us to do our jobs."

Bill English confirmed that their was ample justification for a pay rise. "The government deficit is running at 2 billion more than we initially estimated, and that means we Ministers are dealing with much bigger deficits than ever imagined. Our pay should reflect the increased responsibility."

Tariana Turia said that there was a lot of belt tightening ahead for all MPS this Christmas. "We've barely been able to make ends meet in the past, but those ends were the ends of our belts. I think we need to be more creative. Perhaps we could gift the foreshore and seabed to the Ministers pay packages, and allow them to manage the resource for personal gain. It's just a matter of understanding that we MPS form a unique Iwi that has equal claim on NZ's resources. For too long have the Iwi of Ministers been treated as nothing more than a collection of misfits, marginalised and disrespected by society. We have been debating what to do over the foreshore and seabed for so long now, that collectively, we all feel a strong sense of ownership and connection with the beaches. This needs to be recognised."

John Key remained optimistic that the market was on the way up. "I've signed off on an economic stimulus package to double track the John Key National Bike Track. We are going to float the Bike Track on the ASX and open it up to investment to all the major finance houses. I'm predicting an injection of around 15 billion dollars, with another 50 billion dollars in resource consents to mine the ground directly below the bike track through a series of tunnels at 20 metre deep intervals."

Whilst the pay rises were "inline with other public servants", the MPS disagreed. Judges have received healthy pay rises, described by Trevor Mallard as an "almost illegal and unjust amount of contraband for their stint in the coalmines of the court system"

Chris Carter said all Ministers were considering going on an extended protest by flying overseas and staying in a resort complex providing Parliamentary Service could be lined up to pay 121 expense claims submitted for "Global Warming Crisis Meetings" now that NIWA have confirmed that New Zealand has experienced an unprecedented amount of Global Warming in the last 100 years, after they scrapped their original research and came up with some new figures.

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