Monday, January 2, 2012

ZenTiger Single? Alone? Voted National in the Last Election?

Single?

Alone?

Voted National in the last election?

Dial 0800-National and hook up with real people that are interested in YOU.

We have operators standing by that understand your voting decisions. They can empathise and share, and even talk dirty when dirty talk is required:

Press 1 - Let's sell Mighty River Power. Amanda will talk you through how good life will be once 49% of this State Owned Enterprise is rented out to Mums and Dads investors and part of your KiwiSaver portfolio. National must be right wing if they plan to sell the silver!

Press 2 - Talk through with Julie how floating more of Air NZ will completely transform NZ Tourism and yield undreamed of profits. If you are seeking work in a service industry at minimum wage, talking to Julie will really inspire you.

Press 3 - Speak with a reformed Labour voter who is happy voting National. Bill and Gerry will chat on a party line, and soon you will discover have all have so much in common. Finally, a Blue party with more red cred than Andrew Little.

Press 4 - Find out what was really said over a cup of tea. To the slurp of Earl Grey hear "I can't believe Brash is still around" and "What's in that small bag on the table?". Find out John Key's plan to completely save the NZ economy, but why he's decided it needs to be a secret until the next election.

Press 5 - We know, you voted National because you thought all of the alternatives were worse. So try not to worry that National are committed to working with all of the alternatives. Susie will talk about how a new alliance with the Greens will pave the way for transforming our rural economy into a solar powered, vegan, cycling nirvana awash with food stamps and state-supplied milk.

Press 6 - The new Auckland Council Super City has so much proven history behind it now, with over 390 days of operations that we can now start talking about consolidating the remaining 70 or so councils into 3 or 4 super Councils. Just think of the savings we will make setting the rates for Invercargill from the Red Zone in Christchurch. Why, it's exciting enough to consider privatising water.

Press 7 - If you were the 88% that voted against the smacking bill, then we want to acknowledge your important contribution to democracy. Dial 7 and hear John Key saying "Thank you very much for voting National, thank you very much, thank you very very much. Thank you very much for your kind donation, thank you very very much. " You see, your votes do make a difference!

Press 8 - Let's talk National Standards. It's really important that the Government increases control over the education system. This is to protect us from left wing teachers. To this end we've used left wing bureaucrats to set policies and come up with a whole pile of ridiculous standards that will get left arguing with the right whilst missing the point - statism is important and whether you are left or right, your children are ours. Talk to Sonya and be soothed by words of authority and certainty. National Standards are good. These National Standards are good. Those other standards are bad. Unions are bad, therefore Standards are good. ($4.95 per minute, entire loop 8 minutes)

No hobbits were harmed or taken offshore in the making of this advertisement

2 comment(s):

KG said...

LOL! Brilliant. You missed your vocation, Zen. :-)

ZenTiger said...

If you think you are in danger, dial Dial 111 - Help, Police. National are running the country.

I'm sorry, no-one is here to take your call right now. Perhaps we are all issuing speeding tickets, or back in court explaining to the judge why this person's 89th arrest for burglary should be treated more seriously than the previous 88 arrests. Please leave a message and one of our operators will get back to you shortly after you've been bludgeoned to death in your own home

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