Tuesday, April 20, 2010

ZenTiger New Scandal Rocks the Church

Archeologists have uncovered what appears to the world's oldest newspaper archive, and have damning evidence of problems in the Christian Ministry that go all the way to the top. A series of articles in what appears to be a daily rag called "The New Yid Times" (NYT) provide irrefutable evidence of a dysfunctional organisation.

The papyrus and velum scrolls have been carbon dated to the time of Jesus and some of the extracts have been, for the first time, carefully translated and presented here as a public service:

Monday Front Page
Jesus seen in the company of prostitutes
The leader of a religious sect was again seen associating with prostitutes and thieves in the back streets of the city.

Rabbi Dawkins had called for an inquiry to question the morality of Jesus. "How can he preach a moral life when we find him in this company?" he demanded.

"He has no visible income, has a dozen people working for him, associates with thieves, is involved in the sex industry and always seems to have been clothed and fed. It defies all reason.", said Dawkins.

"I'd kill to have a garment like he wears", he added.

Rabbi Dawkins said he's accumulated proof in his new best selling scroll: "The Jesus Delusion", and is speaking at the next Colosseum Games, as warm up act before the Christians are thrown to the lions.

Tuesday Front Page
Warrant out for John The Baptist
A warrant has been issued for John The Baptist, known associate and possible relative of Jesus. He has been speaking out against the adultery of Herod Antipas, who divorced his own wife to marry his brother's wife. Political commentators have suggested John the Baptist is manipulating an old marriage law that generally only applies to women adulterers, and trying to make the establishment look hypocritical.

Spokesman for the New Moral Values Front, Ms. Stamp-Barham-Ward said, "This is a clear cut situation where all adults are aware of the situation, and rather than engage in a bit of harmless wife swapping, went to the trouble to legally divorce and marry. This law is generally reserved for cases where stoning an adulterous women is permissible to restore the honour of the unsuspecting husband. Stamp-Braham-Ward went on to suggest that recently, Jesus had actually interfered in a high profile case of adultery, and helped the criminal to escape a just punishment. "We can only speculate on their relationship for him to be involved."

Wednesday Front Page
Nearly 10% of Jesus' Key Followers are backstabbers
An insider interview has revealed that up to 10% of Jesus' closest followers were backstabbers. Said the insider of himself: "This man would sell his mother for a couple of silver, and quite frankly, disloyalty has to be one of the worst crimes under Roman Law. I'm sure Caesar would not tolerate friends and associates who were known backstabbers."

Thursday Front Page
Jesus cult a bunch of backstabbers says Druid Hitchens
Druid Christofear Hitchens has leveled damning accusations against Jesus and called for him to be arrested for the crime of treason. "We have discovered evidence that they are a bunch of backstabbers, and if they back stab their own followers, they'll back stab everyone. He angrily dismissed claims that this was a stunt. "Let the wisdom of the crowds decide in a fair and open trial" he countered. In the great Greek democratic tradition we will treat Jesus as fairly as we did Socrates.

Besides, this case goes all the way to the top, and indeed even higher than the top. It goes all the way to God. If Jesus is the Son of God, then let's see what he will do about it! Probably arrange for him to lose the fair and open trial, the backstabber!

Indeed, in his book "God is a backstabber", released last month to wide acclaim amongst the society of Druids, he cites numerous historical incidents of God rescuing people, only for them to get into trouble again.

Druid Hitchens has concluded that God must be the cause of all misfortune, and is therefore a backstabber. This theory is gaining support amongst Atheists, Sinners, blocks of wood and many forms of vegetable.

"Once my pumpkin friends evolve, as strong opponents to God, I feel sure they will change the vote and we will be able to democratically ban freedom of belief to guarantee unbelief."

Friday Front Page
Jesus arrested, tried and crucified for crimes against humanity
Justice was seen to be done today, when the crowd ruled Jesus be crucified for unspecified crimes against humanity, or the State, or God or something.

Druid Hitchens and Rabbi Dawkins made a joint statement noting that a full investigation had been completed the night before, and they were satisfied that a just outcome had been achieved:
"No-one enjoys having to crucify people, but we have broken up a cult of back stabbers and nipped in the bud what could have been a very annoying social movement, as many people seemed to be fastening on to this love and forgiveness fluff he spoke of.

'Repent and Pray', 'Repent and Pray', 'Love one and other' 'Father forgive them for they know not what they do' blah blah blah.

He's crazy. Or maybe it's because he was celibate - I don't know - but one bad egg in there with the management not kicking him out fast enough is just not on, and deserves the most severest of punishments.

Anyway, this whole "Christian" thing has now just been shutdown permanently, so we are heading off for a well earned break until Monday. His followers are all dejected, and the back stabber topped himself, which is a great outcome. Can't see much more happening over the weekend.


A view from an atheist: Hitchens and Dawkins on their Plan to Arrest the Pope

Dawkins and Hitchens on a moral crusade

Miranda Devine: Pedophiles, not the Pope to Blame

2 comment(s):

Seán said...

Excellent Zen, excellent.

I.M Fletcher said...

Hehe, very nice.

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