Thursday, May 1, 2008

ZenTiger Going Off Shore

[SATIRE] We’ve been told to get used to the global economy. We’ve been told to accept that many jobs previously done by Kiwis are better done by people in other countries prepared to work for less than one dollar per hour. The people that make these decisions are paid lots of money for “making the hard choices".

But who could have guessed the ramifications as this philosophy was adopted throughout the western world?

The BRW top 100 businesses stunned shareholders today by announcing that CEO’s, board members, and top management are all being outsourced to an Indian Consortium “Rajahs Executives”.

“We’ve found we can get fully qualified management teams for as little as NZ$50,000pa. Even better, we purchase this as a subscription service and gain full tax write offs without incurring KiwiSaver charges, PAYE and FBT. The guys in accounting have really outdone themselves. I'd say more, but it's my last day on the job and I've got to clear my desk.”

Analysts report that the stock market has looked favourably on the deal, with most company stocks leaping in value by a minimum of 15%. “Look, a management team based in America can cost around $1 billion US dollars per year. A single CEO can earn up to $700 million dollars alone. And that’s before profitability is taken into account. This is a good move, and I expect we’ll see more outsourcing of management as time goes on as an effort to protect the bottom line.

Helen Clark today announced that all of their list MPs will be outsourced from China. Chinese MP Labour was seen as delivering massive benefits: An hourly cost of only $12 per hour, with no expectation of perks, generous super schemes, and overseas jaunts. Furthermore, such labour was “guaranteed honest and hardworking” and would “respect the parliamentary laws”, a move which could see a new image promoted under Labour.

Helen Clark said this deal was really a reflection of changing times, and the massive cost savings would benefit the party’s capability of delivering a better outcome.

“We’ve struck a deal with the Electoral Commission that the savings we make can be spent on direct election advertising without affecting the current spending cap. Given that list MP’s are not accountable to voters, we don’t expect much of a backlash and the advantages are considerable – we know NZ First will not match our bold action, National have already outsourced their policies and are not in a position to counter, the Maori party are also ideologically incapable of outsourcing. We are not too worried about the Greens either. In fact, they are already demanding all MP’s have a “NZ Made” sticker on them, which shows just how narrow minded and inflexible they are.”

The NZ Cricket Board has moved to select players via outsourcing deals with Pakistan that can supply entire teams for around $81.90. They all play better too. “The Black Caps” is a brand, and we’ve realised it doesn’t really matter who is under the cap if we grant NZ citizenship. We’ve done a deal with Immigration to sneak players in on the quiet. What could go wrong?

NZ also announced that they had outsourced their Olympic Team to Sweden. "We really had no choice, as we have already outsourced our original team to North Korea for a tidy profit. We think by taking on Sweden, possibly with an overflow contract with Trinidad, we will still bring in a credible result for NZ. Admittedly, we will be a little p*ssed if North Korea end up higher on the ladder, but that's business.

6 comment(s):

nyokodo said...

This is a little ridiculous. The whole point of foreign out sourcing is to take areas of production where we are less productive and move them to countries that are more productive. We then focus on our strengths.

Regarding the Executive (regardless if we're talking about Corporate or Governmental) you have that based close to your shareholders not the location of production.

mojo said...

Yep & similarly for our rugby players ... one & all will become universal soldiers ... led & driven by our wondrous 'social conscienced' Helen Clarke & cohorts.
& after all, the situation will only take one, perhaps two, or even perhaps three or four generations to equilibrate ... & then we'll be OK again ... perhaps third world ... but ...

What ideological nonsense these little new age capitalists push! Unfortunately it is a UN, not even NZ popular Mike Moore, World Bank, IMF universally 'pushed' nonsense.
& it is this nonsense that has made NZ so vulnerable to those 'little whisps in the wind'that they call international market trends .. yep, Fisher & Paykel with their pimary responsibility to shareholders ... gone. Daniel Carter ...?
Deregulated economy, free market driven ... at the same time as reinforcing & entrenching a predominantly primitive & contrived indigenous culture (oral history makes memories so short & confabulation so valuable)although this is also a reactive reflex reaction ... Oh dear ... we drown ... what hope??

ZenTiger said...

Of course it's ridiculous universal. Doesn't mean reality is any less ridiculous. Do you really thing a CEO grabbing 680 million in one year is really any better than another CEO at 50 million?

And shareholders are based worldwide. In fact, a lot of shareholders are simply other companies spread all over the world.

Besides if we took your stats, then the population of Bermuda would be about 5 times larger :-)

MathewK said...

Good one Zen, yeah isn't it funny how those doing the outsourcing are never the ones to lose their jobs eh.

Just on the MPs being outsourced from China, on the plus side [for Kommissar Klark that is], they're already well versed in Commie ways of getting things done or forced through. Just might have a small issue about the whole human rights thing though.

She might have to caution them on that, wouldn't want to frighten the masses by moving too quickly on it, slow and stealthy is best.

nyokodo said...

zentinger not all corporations have a majority of foreign shareholders. However even for those who do there are more considerations than simply the location of shareholders, there is the distance to market and required tertiary services which are much stronger in the western world. F&P for instance has it's biggest market in Australasia, so it makes sense that they stay in NZ.

ZenTiger said...

Oh OK then. Let's pretend for this post that when we outsource to Rajahs Executive, for an extra $3,000 they "come to you" and will run from the country of your choice. Sorted?

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