While people were breaking into the Waihopi "Spy" Base, prisoners have been strolling out of Mount Eden Prison. Corrections Department northern regional manager Warren Cummins is bearing the brunt for the prisoner escape due to alleged staff shortages.
[SATIRE BEGINS]
Said Cummins:
"No worries, we will catch this prisoner, and teach him a lesson he will never forget: home detention."
Cummins was quick to point out the problem is a guard shortage, not prisoner shortage.
"It doesn't matter if we lose a few prisoners, we've got heaps of spare ones. What we don't have is guards. We need to work out how to stop the guards from escaping. We have some great ideas, involving RFID tags and GPS enabled bracelets.
Cummins also explained that the prison officials were now considering the purchase of locks on doors, bars on windows and higher fences. This would be after the underfloor heating, million dollar landscaping, televisions and and playstation devices were paid off.
Green party leader Russel Norman claimed prisoners are trying to escape due to poor living conditions. He recommended immediately upgrading the in-house televisions, and buying the latest games. GTA IV was his personal preference, but any game where law enforcement personnel died from gunshot wounds, preferably whilst holding a taser was OK.
Cummins brought the escape back into perspective:
"We have hundreds escape every year through the parole board, and people get upset with one sneaking out over the fence. Go figure."
Related Link: Staff Shortage at Prison Blamed for Escape
PS: Just to be clear, this post is entirely satirical and Cummins name has been unfairly appropriated for use in this post. He no doubt gets far worse from the inmates. The ones left, at any rate. If it helps, no animals were harmed in the making of this post.
[SATIRE BEGINS]
Said Cummins:
"No worries, we will catch this prisoner, and teach him a lesson he will never forget: home detention."
Cummins was quick to point out the problem is a guard shortage, not prisoner shortage.
"It doesn't matter if we lose a few prisoners, we've got heaps of spare ones. What we don't have is guards. We need to work out how to stop the guards from escaping. We have some great ideas, involving RFID tags and GPS enabled bracelets.
Cummins also explained that the prison officials were now considering the purchase of locks on doors, bars on windows and higher fences. This would be after the underfloor heating, million dollar landscaping, televisions and and playstation devices were paid off.
Green party leader Russel Norman claimed prisoners are trying to escape due to poor living conditions. He recommended immediately upgrading the in-house televisions, and buying the latest games. GTA IV was his personal preference, but any game where law enforcement personnel died from gunshot wounds, preferably whilst holding a taser was OK.
Cummins brought the escape back into perspective:
"We have hundreds escape every year through the parole board, and people get upset with one sneaking out over the fence. Go figure."
Related Link: Staff Shortage at Prison Blamed for Escape
PS: Just to be clear, this post is entirely satirical and Cummins name has been unfairly appropriated for use in this post. He no doubt gets far worse from the inmates. The ones left, at any rate. If it helps, no animals were harmed in the making of this post.
Your satire is funny.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, it is entirely fictional and not in any way relevant or accurately descriptive of Corrections, prison, Russell Norman or anything else real.
To that extent, you do an injustice by ridiculing with nonsense anyone named or otherwise represented in your piece of fiction.
Well, at least I spelled Russel's name correctly.
ReplyDeleteReality is when the system fails, such as with Graeme Burton. Such failures give rise to such nonsense.
Reality is when the system fails, as with Liam Ashley. Such failures give rise to such nonsense.
Reality is when the system fails, such as with Shyan Ricky Hill. Such failures give rise to such nonsense.
Call this post a little tickle to fix the nonsense.
But enough about Law and Order. Let's talk about you.
Do you realise Chris Trotter quoted you in a recent article? It was the one where he called Helen Clark an evil traitorous cur, or something similar. Although, the last few articles have had that theme....
"We have hundreds escape every year through the parole board, and people get upset with one sneaking out over the fence. Go figure."
ReplyDeleteThat's funny, but unfortunately it is uncomfortably close to reality.