Tuesday, May 13, 2008

ZenTiger Grand Theft Auto IV and South Auckland V

With Grand Theft Auto IV (GTA IV) released as an R18 rated game, the Government have moved to ensure minors are not permitted to purchase and play the game. Steve Gilbert, local games shop manager confirms:

"We've been asking for proof of age for GTA IV as we are aware of our social and legal responsibilities. Every purchaser has had some form of age ID. Most common is a note from their parents. Any purchasers smoking and drinking when they come into the shop are also obviously also over 18, so we don't need to ask them. One young lady did look about 13, but she's been turning tricks on the street corner opposite for so long, she's got to be about 25. What I am personally amazed at is the number of 18 year olds that are quite short. It's obviously evolutionary."

This fact was picked up by the Greens, who have called on the government to end potential discrimination on short people. Russel Norman suggested that short people should also automatically get the right to vote, without evidence of age. He suspects most short people would vote Green. Russel explains:

"What sales of GTA IV have proven is that there are more short people out there who are over 18 and don't drive. We know this because they all cite environmentalism as the reason for not having a drivers license when asked for evidence of age. They confess not to be on the electoral Roll. There is no doubt we are being denied more Green votes. Our aim in the next election is to accumulate at least half the number of votes as gathered in the anti-smacking petition. This could be the way to do it. Then we’d have a proven mandate to overturn the smacking petition, which is far more to blame than are violent video games."

Meanwhile, MSD confirm they have ordered 29,000 copies of GTA IV. Under agreement with the game owners, it has been re-branded "Sim City - Auckland". Ruth Dyson and Annette King launched into song at a press conference to explain:

"It's really a matter of common sense.
Our actions are not insane.
To every unemployed person
We present to them this game

It teaches important survival skills
Needed to those who claim
Living in South of Auckland
Forces a life untame

This will teach you to rob and loot
And take money without any shame
Its good training to join the Labour team
And of course, John Key is to blame"


Said Annette King later, in falsetto:

"With unemployment figures surging by 29,000 this quarter alone the biggest drop in at least 20 years, we think GTA IV will teach important life skills that are increasingly more viable under our government."

The Government has rejected calls from conservative groups for the game to be banned. "We do not support censorship, in any form" said Annette King.

Already customers are speculating on the rumoured release of the next version of GTA. However, the alleged pre-release video trailer turned out to be a documentary on the Mongrel Mob. It has been pulled from the internet, with the promoters citing a need for censorship.

Annette King welcomed the move. "The last thing New Zealanders need is to be watching documentaries about real life in NZ. The good thing about youth playing GTA IV is at least it stops them watching the news."

A radical Feminist group known only as "Labour Pains" note that not many females play the game. When asked if the game wasn't feminine enough, they instead cited that most young women were incapable of handling the controls after continual binge drinking sessions. "However, we are outraged that the game has strong themes of violence against women. It's sick. This kind of behavioral reinforcement is only going to lead to more problems. What we need is a game that allows women to shoot middle aged white men, and take to their private parts with a fish knife. Only then will we see a well balanced society."

The game, although massively popular, is proving to be hard to complete. The latest 'conspiracy theory' is the game was actually released by the Catholic Church. The only way of successfully completing the game is to drive within the speed limit, hand in stolen money, feed the poor, protect the weak and convert the drug lords to Christianity. Resorting to senseless violence ensures the person never completes the later levels.

Liberal groups are horrified, and are now calling for the game to be banned.

Related Link: Shooting Libz - a new game in the GTA IV genre

3 comment(s):

Psycho Milt said...

My then-10-year-old got his copy of GTA Vice City in Kuwait, where only human affection gets censored. (Running over pedestrians, shooting cops and robbing hookers? No worries. Man and woman kissing? Somebody do something about this swamp of filth threatening our society!) The fact it's illegal for him to play it here is a constant source of amusement for him.

ZenTiger said...

Good to see the game provides amusement at all sorts of levels.

You have to admire those Kuwaitees. You never know where affection might lead, but violence leads to Allah. One way or other. That's got to be a good thing, right??

Psycho Milt said...

Actually, on one level I can see the Kuwaitis' point: most ordinary people are capable of figuring out violence is a Bad Thing, but show them people kissing and they're quite capable of thinking "Hey, that looks like fun." So, if your society is predicated on stamping out all signs of human physical affection, it's pretty clear what your censors need to concentrate on. Others of us might question the point of basing your society on such a f*cked-up value, but there's definitely internal consistency in the Kuwaitis' approach.

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