I hardly ever watch TV, so it was unusual for me to suddenly decide to flick the switch and see what was on the LCD last night. And lo! behold! Facelift (I think that was the name). I'd never seen it before, and it was a nice surprise to see some NZ Political Satire on the box. Still, it was full on. It was hard to take in the H1 characterization. I was almost feeling sorry for our Right Honorable P.M. Then I recalled some of the satirical posts from my Sir Humphrey days.
I was a bad person.
14 May 2005 - Sir Humphrey's Post
Our glorious leader of the State of Helengrad, Miss Helen Clark, Dominatrix supreme, is affectionately known as H1. It's quicker to write, you see.
Dr Michael Cullen, Economix, would possibly be H2 (although I think the title has gone to Heather Simpson). But no. That is what they want you to think.
The success of recent cloning experiments (following Dolly the sheep) enabled our clever Kiwi Scientists to clone Helen Clark.
With nothing more than a rusty gene splicing machine; a test tube; tissue from a pit bull terrier; a single strand of hair from the head of H1 herself; and a $239 million dollar grant from NZTE, 460 additional clone leaders have rolled off a secret assembly line, rumoured to be hidden in a secret chamber under the University of Otago's library.
There are now a total of 456 Helens remaining, with five destroyed in the field:
One crashed in a high speed traffic incident down south last year, and was promptly replaced.
Another fell out of a plane when the door blew open, but they had a spare at PRM airport (don't make me spell Paraparaumu)
One was destroyed in an avalanche in Norway during a Christmas break. Luckily they have at least 10 spare clones situated in Sweden.
Two "went to pieces" after rowdy cabinet sessions. Only Tamihere has witnessed those events, but they've done such a good job discrediting him that no-one believes him. When he threatened to reveal all, they killed his cats as a warning. His hands are tied.
So when they say "Send in H1", you know that the mission is dangerous and she is ultimately expendable. Because they have a lot more on standby. What would have been instant death for any other operative results in nothing more than a one percent slide in the Polls. She is more indestructible than Captain Scarlett.
It is not that our PM is popular and competent. Rather, it is that she is populous and counterfeited.
There is every chance we will have an H1 for the next 30 years unless we do something! Is there anything that can be done? Thankfully, there is. You can stress the clone units by asking indirect questions that could conceivably lead them to believe the game is up. This avoids activation of the defensive answer circuits. For example:
1. Is it true you faked some paintings?
2. If you didn't say those words, then who did?
3. So you are claiming the photo on the govt website is you?
4. So is there a reason you simply can't remember what you said?
5. Do you stand by the assertion that your election promises of 1999 were made by some-one else?
6. (From Auckland) Didn't I see you in Wellington this morning?
7. You must have been beside yourself when Tamihere spoke.
8. Can you explain why your department saw fit to purchase 461 personal diaries and calendar sets at a cost of $45,000**? Did you need spare copies
You get the idea. Take every opportunity to reveal the plot. We need to exhaust the clone supply before the election day is announced. It's not a conspiracy if we don't twig to it.
[NOTE: This news release may not have been penned by the real ZenTiger]
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** Yes, before Labour stole the pledge card money, they stole smaller amounts. You see what happens when we let people off from the small crimes?
Link: Labour Steals $45,000.
And what is special about the Prime Minister's Office producing a calendar? Perhaps this calendar serves a vital function. What other publication do we have where key NZ events are already entered in such a handy reference format? Here are just a few events plucked from the handy reference:
Jan 1: Cullen Fund Day.
Jan 2: Tamihere Resolutions Day (better late than never)
Jan 24: Wellington Anniversary (Cancelled)
Jan 31: Auckland Day
Jan 31: Nelson Anniversary (Not observed)
Feb 1: Auckland Day (continued)
Feb 6: National appeasement day
Feb 25: Resurrection of Labour Party Day
Feb 31: National Party Day
Feb 32: Act Party Day
March 14: Comrade Helen Day
April 25: NZ for World Peace Day
April 26: LAV cleaning day
June 6: Queen Helen's Official Birthday
July 8: Sweden Day
Aug 1: Horses Birthday (banned)
Aug 5: Banks holiday (John Banks deported)
Sep 6: Labour Success Story Day (1 minute of silence observed)
Oct 24: Beginning of Labour week
Nov 5: Gay Forks Day (Who knows what they were thinking?)
Nov 30: End of Labour week
Dec 1: Speed anywhere in the South Island Day
Dec 5: Sleep Day (In support of Benson-Pope)
Dec 25: Miss Kringle Day
Dec 26: Day in lieu day.
Were there any other calendar events I missed??
I was a bad person.
14 May 2005 - Sir Humphrey's Post
Our glorious leader of the State of Helengrad, Miss Helen Clark, Dominatrix supreme, is affectionately known as H1. It's quicker to write, you see.
Dr Michael Cullen, Economix, would possibly be H2 (although I think the title has gone to Heather Simpson). But no. That is what they want you to think.
The success of recent cloning experiments (following Dolly the sheep) enabled our clever Kiwi Scientists to clone Helen Clark.
With nothing more than a rusty gene splicing machine; a test tube; tissue from a pit bull terrier; a single strand of hair from the head of H1 herself; and a $239 million dollar grant from NZTE, 460 additional clone leaders have rolled off a secret assembly line, rumoured to be hidden in a secret chamber under the University of Otago's library.
There are now a total of 456 Helens remaining, with five destroyed in the field:
One crashed in a high speed traffic incident down south last year, and was promptly replaced.
Another fell out of a plane when the door blew open, but they had a spare at PRM airport (don't make me spell Paraparaumu)
One was destroyed in an avalanche in Norway during a Christmas break. Luckily they have at least 10 spare clones situated in Sweden.
Two "went to pieces" after rowdy cabinet sessions. Only Tamihere has witnessed those events, but they've done such a good job discrediting him that no-one believes him. When he threatened to reveal all, they killed his cats as a warning. His hands are tied.
So when they say "Send in H1", you know that the mission is dangerous and she is ultimately expendable. Because they have a lot more on standby. What would have been instant death for any other operative results in nothing more than a one percent slide in the Polls. She is more indestructible than Captain Scarlett.
It is not that our PM is popular and competent. Rather, it is that she is populous and counterfeited.
There is every chance we will have an H1 for the next 30 years unless we do something! Is there anything that can be done? Thankfully, there is. You can stress the clone units by asking indirect questions that could conceivably lead them to believe the game is up. This avoids activation of the defensive answer circuits. For example:
1. Is it true you faked some paintings?
2. If you didn't say those words, then who did?
3. So you are claiming the photo on the govt website is you?
4. So is there a reason you simply can't remember what you said?
5. Do you stand by the assertion that your election promises of 1999 were made by some-one else?
6. (From Auckland) Didn't I see you in Wellington this morning?
7. You must have been beside yourself when Tamihere spoke.
8. Can you explain why your department saw fit to purchase 461 personal diaries and calendar sets at a cost of $45,000**? Did you need spare copies
You get the idea. Take every opportunity to reveal the plot. We need to exhaust the clone supply before the election day is announced. It's not a conspiracy if we don't twig to it.
[NOTE: This news release may not have been penned by the real ZenTiger]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
** Yes, before Labour stole the pledge card money, they stole smaller amounts. You see what happens when we let people off from the small crimes?
Link: Labour Steals $45,000.
And what is special about the Prime Minister's Office producing a calendar? Perhaps this calendar serves a vital function. What other publication do we have where key NZ events are already entered in such a handy reference format? Here are just a few events plucked from the handy reference:
Jan 1: Cullen Fund Day.
Jan 2: Tamihere Resolutions Day (better late than never)
Jan 24: Wellington Anniversary (Cancelled)
Jan 31: Auckland Day
Jan 31: Nelson Anniversary (Not observed)
Feb 1: Auckland Day (continued)
Feb 6: National appeasement day
Feb 25: Resurrection of Labour Party Day
Feb 31: National Party Day
Feb 32: Act Party Day
March 14: Comrade Helen Day
April 25: NZ for World Peace Day
April 26: LAV cleaning day
June 6: Queen Helen's Official Birthday
July 8: Sweden Day
Aug 1: Horses Birthday (banned)
Aug 5: Banks holiday (John Banks deported)
Sep 6: Labour Success Story Day (1 minute of silence observed)
Oct 24: Beginning of Labour week
Nov 5: Gay Forks Day (Who knows what they were thinking?)
Nov 30: End of Labour week
Dec 1: Speed anywhere in the South Island Day
Dec 5: Sleep Day (In support of Benson-Pope)
Dec 25: Miss Kringle Day
Dec 26: Day in lieu day.
Were there any other calendar events I missed??
Ha! that $45,000 will go quite nicely on my "offensive contentent" page.
ReplyDeleteFeel free to email me any more you might have...