Dead Parrot

Location: The Department of Conservation (DoC), Fox Glacier Office

A customer enters

Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The Officer does not respond.)

C: 'Ello, Miss?
Officer: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I thought you were Miss Clark. Anyway, I wish to register a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch. Possum sandwiches.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I photographed not half an hour ago from this wilde New Zealand habitat.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Kea, Nestor Notabilis..What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Nestor Notabilis
idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Kea Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh spring lamb for you if you show...(customer hits the cage)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up
in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Nestor Notabilis stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I photographed it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords of Milford Sounds.
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment you dropped the 1080 possum bait?
O: No Major, 1080 is completely safe. Safe as houses. The Nestor Notabilis prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when it keeled over, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If DoC hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have been stolen by Japanese tourists. They would have muscled up to the roost and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts from Tiwai Smelter through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!

THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

(pause)

O: Well, it'll grow back. Kea's always grow back after a 1080 drop. I might have a whole bunch left over from the last 1080 drop. Hang on.

(he takes a quick peek behind the Office counter)

O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of Kea parrots.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: I got a possum.

(pause)

C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it look like a Kea?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
O: Look, if you pop over to Masterton, you can probably take a few photos of Kiwis. Or stoats.
C: Masterton, eh? Very well.

The customer leaves....

The customer enters a DoC office in Masterton. It's the same Officer behind the counter (job sharing due to cut backs). The officer is putting on a false moustache.

C: This is Masterton, is it?
O: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Mount Bruce.
C: (looking at the camera) That's Kiwi Rail for you.
O: Well, what do you want?
C: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer about 1080 poison - I think this is getting too silly!

Minister for Conservation Chris Carter Steve Chadwick: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...


With apologies to the immortal Monty Python team


Related Link: DoC Confirm: These are ex-Parrots
Excerpt: Seven kea have died at Fox Glacier after eating 1080 poison, wiping out almost half a group of the endangered and protected parrot being monitored by the Conservation Department.

Photo courtesy BBC - all rights reserved, more at Dead Parrots Society

Video Evidence: Mass Murder in the Killing Fields of Fox Glacier