Monday, April 29, 2013

ZenTiger iTunes runs out of music

On the eve of its 10th birthday, the online music store is dangerously close to running out of music.

"In 10 years, we've had 25 billion songs downloaded, and our stock control clerk has advised we are now running extremely low. There may only be another million downloads left in store before the disks run dry." said a spokesperson for Apple. "We are just checking the spare USB drives to see if we've missed any."

Unfortunately for Apple, it seems like the majority of the remaining songs are not particularly popular. For example, stocks remain high of 'Some girls dance (with women)' by JC Chasez, and a version of Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start the Fire' by Carlos Santana on a banjo.

"We ran out of 'Stairway to Heaven' three days ago, and 'Bohemian Rhapsody' yesterday. We are just crossing our fingers no-one else tries to click on those links."

Apple also have two downloads left of Michael Bolton's 'Can I touch you...there', which is a pity because the iTunes store started with three copies total. Apple have a 'no refund' policy.

Some customers have offered to return Celine Dion's 'My Heart Will Go On', but thank goodness Apple has a 'no refund' policy.

As well as running out of the popular tunes, Apple have advised that there isn't much new music coming in. "We've simply invented all the tunes that can be. 80% of new music is re-sampled, which has given us kudos on our environmental cred and we've recycled quite a bit of content that way, but unless we develop a whole new genre, we are pretty much screwed."

The Apple spokesperson continued: "Some pundits have been playing heavy metal backwards, but after a while it starts to sound like rappers with an Oxford accent. Of course, a couple of people tried playing country and western music backwards, but who needs to hear about some-one who finds their love, gives up alcohol and has a dog that comes back to life? It's that bad, even that joke was one of the last we had in stock in the comedy section."

"When we decided to start selling music online, we ensured we had ample suply, but the whole thing was far more popular than we ever imagined. We've had the photocopiers going day and night but they cannot keep up.  We found some spare 1's and 0's on an old 5400rpm magnetic drive that we think we can convert to a Pet Shop Boys track. There's also a little bit left from Prince, when he was just a symbol, because we didn't have any way of filing that stuff back then."

Apple advised that they will need to start rationing music over the next few months to ensure everyone has a chance to experience the joy of song. All tracks are now available in 6 second downloads, making them ideal for the attention span of the typical teenager, and is likely to be exploited in the ring tone market, with Samsung offering to buy-up the last 40 seconds of 'A day in the Life' by the Beatles.

Singer Elton John was approached and asked if he knew Apple was running out of music.
"No", he said, "but if you hum a few bars, I'll improvise."

Time Magazine: Happy 10th Birthday iTunes

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