New Zealand Conservative

Labour Party Leader, David Cunliffe has made huge strides in the Labour Party, pushing for 50-50 gender equality to the amazement and delight of many who see gender equality as essential in a balanced society. Insiders say that gender equality in the Labour Party is still not enough, though. They have hinted that Cunliffe has set his sights on a new target - something radical in this day and age, designed to shake society to its foundations and question why we ever thought it acceptable to support gender imbalance at all: Gender equality in marriage and families. (Satire)

Satire site "The Civilian" has announced plans to follow in the footsteps of Twitter and limit satire to 140 characters , just for a laugh.

My, how things have changed [OK, the following is supposed to be satire, but unfortunately, it isn't quite.  Nick Smith really does want to give away 3 billion dollars worth of Tax Payer assets to charity.  Read the link if you don't believe me.]  Nick Smith today announced that the remaining power companies would not be floated on the stock market as planned, but instead given away to charity. Nick has confirmed that charities will make better use of New Zealand's assets and ensure the poor and destitute people of NZ are catered for. He was quick to add that the government was working tirelessly to ensure all New Zealanders would fit the criteria of "poor and destitute" so would not miss out. "I was talking about wanting to shift from a state [owned] model to a social [owned] model," Smith said of his initial comments. "Many community organisations with funding support are able to provide a better service for people needing [electricit...

Leadership - A street a long way from the PM's office John Key announced yesterday that Wellington was a " dying city ". Initially, he said that he had no idea how to save it, but then he realized he was the Prime Minster, and added "but if we push the euthanasia bill through, I promise it will be painless." "Consider us bringing back Capital Punishment" John joked to an appreciative audience. It looked like the entire conversation was going to stop there, but some-one yelled out "Hey Clint, what do you think" and a nameless National official took that as the perfect moment to unveil John Key's bold new plan for New Zealand: "We'll move everyone under 80 years old to Auckland, declare the South Island a nature reserve and turn Wellington into a retirement village." The media is abuzz with John Key's visionary leadership. Wellington A Dying City says Prime Minister

Maurice Williamson for Mayor ? Maybe he'll be knighted? Because some pundits are predicting a Knight Mayor. I have no opinion on that, but based on prior form, I can predict his his acceptance speech: "I'm prepared to exercise foononcial risponsabile-tee" No Maurice, it's pronounced "Financial Responsibility" "Sorry, I've never tried it ." It remains to be seen if Maurice can gain enough gravitas to obey the laws of physics, although now that he has spoken in favour of redefining marriage and supporting gay adoption he is certainly fancied as a man person of the people.  Ellen Degeneres certainly fancies him, and the more he's fancied by others, the more he might fancy himself as Mayor.  It's called circular logic, which is his strong suit. Maurice is currently popular with Greens and Labour supporters (aside from his politics) so many are saying the NZ right should be extremely happy because he is in the National par...

The dead have a pretty cushy life. For starters, they don't work (I'm generalizing) and they don't pay tax. According to many, the dead still get to vote, they don't have to pay local body rates, and they seem immune to CPI increases in food. The more I look into it, the more it makes sense to be dead, well, at least for tax purposes. There is precedent of course. Hotblack Desiato , guitar keyboard player of the rock group Disaster Area was dead for tax purposes, and relied on a death-support system to keep him that way. Many famous entertainers ( Gerard Depardieu , Pink Floyd , The Two Ronnies ) move overseas and as far as their home country is concerned, are dead for tax purposes. Now some people might counter that being dead has downsides. For example, whilst they often receive benefits for years after the actual event of the death, they are not entitled to collect benefits. Does the legislation actually specify the condition of being alive in order to rec...

On the eve of its 10th birthday , the online music store is dangerously close to running out of music. "In 10 years, we've had 25 billion songs downloaded, and our stock control clerk has advised we are now running extremely low. There may only be another million downloads left in store before the disks run dry." said a spokesperson for Apple. "We are just checking the spare USB drives to see if we've missed any." Unfortunately for Apple, it seems like the majority of the remaining songs are not particularly popular. For example, stocks remain high of 'Some girls dance (with women)' by JC Chasez, and a version of Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start the Fire' by Carlos Santana on a banjo. "We ran out of 'Stairway to Heaven' three days ago, and 'Bohemian Rhapsody' yesterday. We are just crossing our fingers no-one else tries to click on those links." Apple also have two downloads left of Michael Bolton...

WARNING: THIS IS NOT SATIRE. It is just silly.  But 300 protestors?  Come-on! A massive 300 protesters turned out in NZ's largest city to protest the imminent sale of the nation's Bassets. Basset hound owners are up in arms over plans to sell 49% of the bassets under National Party policy. Does this mean nearly half the bassets will be sold, or just the ears of each basset, whch represents half the size of the basset? "Bassets are something owned by all New Zealanders" said Prime Minister John Key, so this move just opens up the opportunity for mums and dads and kid investors to have a truly great pet without having to actually pay for its upkeep.  For those unable to experience the thrill of taking a basset for walkies, we will keep all the little plastic bags of poo and declare them as dividends." The Labour and Greens have suggested that a new government department would be created to allocate dog walking privileges fairly to the market by reg...

Ben Uffindell, writer of the "The Civilian" is reportedly thinking of quitting blogging, following the hint of legal action over a recent post lampooning Colin Craig. Whilst he has kept a brave face, insiders say the stress caused by the emails has actually hit Ben pretty hard. "He talks tough, but he is really quite sensitive.  This has hurt him more than you will know, but don't quote me on that." His faith in satire as a comedic medium has been sorely tested as a growing percentage of the population has argued that everything he is written is substantially true.  A recent post about Bob Parker returning to [outer] space was meant to be a joke, but Bob confirmed today that he was indeed from the planet Tharx.  However, his Tharxian code of honour prevented him from suing The Civilian.  Although Bob did have the option of sucking Ben's brains out through his nostrils, if he so chooses.  Satirical analysts have noted that the follow up posts were ...

Protected from the pretty colours and bold fonts March 2014 - In a stunning blow to the Tobacco lobby, the government has banned the use of Helvetica font (and many others) on plain cigarette packaging. Once the new legislation is in force, advertisers will be forced to choose between only Courier and Times New Roman when adding printed messages on their products. Whilst the bill was known as "Helvetica 12" the legislation included a long list of fonts that were now deemed illegal for the purposes of advertising.  The full list wasn't fully known as the list was delivered in 6 point font, and no-one had a magnifying glass handy. Helvetica font was singled out based on solid, peer reviewed overseas research.  The study indicated consumers were more likely to buy a packet of cigarettes when noticing key words such as "Camel" in Helvetica 12, 14 and 16.  Young people aged 12, 14 and 16 were most susceptible according to the data. "This is a fantastic...

My 15 year old son showed me this last night. I don't know how he finds these things ...

Front page news: Secret Story of Violence in Schools - teachers being beaten up and bullied for their lunch, their cars vandalised and no doubt suffering wedgies on a daily basis. So what do these educational "institutions" do about it? Nada. Nothing. Worse, some teachers are allegedly urged not to report on an alarming increase of violence in schools. One big cover up. A few pages over, and the headlines scream " Wagging school the daily deal for 29,000 " and we read quotes like: "Sometimes you get stoned, sometimes you can't be bothered and sometimes you are hung over from the night before" That from a 14 year old! But it's not just the students, with recent news that a pedophile had been working the schools, fabricating job history and identities to stay one step ahead of the institional bureaucracy by inventing complex cover stories like "you mean my evil twin brother?" or, according to one Principal who was very suspciou...

Homepaddock reports on a dinosaur find in Auckland. I don't recall seeing a satire tag, so it could be true: Paleontologists flock to study dinosaurs.

Single? Alone? Voted National in the last election? Dial 0800-National and hook up with real people that are interested in YOU. We have operators standing by that understand your voting decisions. They can empathise and share, and even talk dirty when dirty talk is required: Press 1 - Let's sell Mighty River Power. Amanda will talk you through how good life will be once 49% of this State Owned Enterprise is rented out to Mums and Dads investors and part of your KiwiSaver portfolio. National must be right wing if they plan to sell the silver! Press 2 - Talk through with Julie how floating more of Air NZ will completely transform NZ Tourism and yield undreamed of profits. If you are seeking work in a service industry at minimum wage, talking to Julie will really inspire you. Press 3 - Speak with a reformed Labour voter who is happy voting National. Bill and Gerry will chat on a party line, and soon you will discover have all have so much in common. Finally, a Blue...

New York Times: The Occupy Wall Street (OWS) protest reached unexpected early success today when the banking industry indicated they had taken on board the widespread criticism and offered to reform the financial system by next Tuesday. The reforms were seen as modest by some but were described as "a good step forwards".  Chairman of Chase Manhattan Bank offered a 10 point plan in response to the OWS protests sweeping the globe: Government bonds would be scrapped.  Investing in government was an oxymoron, as was government investing Fiat currency would be abolished and there would be a return to the gold standard The gold standard would then be abolished, and return to coins minted in the realm of USA, bearing the noble head of Caesar Obama Caesar Obama would appoint local Lords to ensure the rights of citizens were upheld. A small tithe would fund this activity The noble head of Caesar Obama would be phased out for glossy beads Glossy beads would be exchanged for...

The spells of protection woven by Druid Rod Donald and High Priestess Jeanette Fitzsimmons have crumbled following a year of inadequate sacrifice to Gaea, explained Metiria to a New Zealand public awash in a sea of black crude. "Mother Earth calls for a higher ETS" confirmed the Ginger Druid, Russel Norman. "This is what you get when you don't vote Green". Ironically, the point that the Greens wanted to dramatically expand coastal shipping and expose NZ to further accidents such as this only underscored the Greens effort to appear ecologically business friendly coming up to the election. "Nothing stronger regulations and taxes couldn't prevent" thundered a Green supporter. "And more money spent on the bureaucracy of Maritime affairs", piped in Goff from the sidelines. Local iwi were also apparently helpless to stop thousands of litres bubbling out into the foreshore and seabed. "We are natural guardians and custodians of t...

Gender equality remains elusive in Choral Settings Tuesday, 5 July 2011, 11:05am Press Release: Department of Gender Grievance Identification Gender equality remains elusive in Choral Settings Choirs remain places where little progress has been made in acheiving gender equality says Director of Gender Grievance Identification, Dr Elsbeth Wingealot. We were shocked and dismayed to find that women remain excluded from singing the traditional male parts given to tenors and basses in choral settings. In an era when many women have acheived success in traditionally male dominated arenas women still remain restricted to singing parts written for sopranos and altos in all our major choirs. To redress the unfairness this poses towards women we are today releasing draft legislation to address this and are asking for legislators to support the passage of this legislation through Parliament The intent of this bill will be to legislate that whenever a piece of music as written co...

[Partly Satirical] Taranaki Department of Conservation Boss, Phil Mohi has declared no food may be cooked in New Zealand , but bringing in a packed lunch from overseas is permissible: "The act of cooking over an ancestor is tapu – it's something that you just don't do," he said. "There's a difference too between eating prepared food for sustenance and actually cooking And went on to explain all of New Zealand is an ancestor, with Northland the mohawk haircut, Auckland Harbour the mouth and eye, Mount Taranaki a nipple, the Cook Straight it's private bits and he declined to talk further about other locations. "Although there is no brain, it hasn't got a brain" he added thoughtlessly. "Graffiti is also right out, unless you call it a tattoo or "ta moko". "Also, in line with cultural sensitivity we also demand no New Zealander eat meat on Friday's and give up bacon. This prohibition will last 12 months until ...

Boy Racers. Mostly annoying and often dangerous, but I say that in largely stereotypical fashion, because the species is wide and varied. A couple of years on Judith Collins is reporting the success of her car crushing policy. At first glance, an 18% decrease seems to be a success. It depends how we define success though. I'm sure Stalin often had great reports on how the population was behaving themselves following 20 years of incentivising good behaviour. We shouldn't crow too loudly on how easy it is to solve complex social issues, because for 8 cents and a pine box per problem, we could be publishing PowerPoint Graphs that the department of Statistics would simply gush over. On the other hand , the policy seems to have a whole pile of caveats and exceptions, with the smell of hundreds of extra hours of valuable court time and piles of extra tax dollars spent to make sure we don't actually crush a car if it's going to cause extreme hardship, such as (in this...