Thursday, January 6, 2011

ZenTiger Goff announces new cabinet line-up

Phil Goff has ended speculation by announcing a new cabinet line-up in order to lift Labour's flagging position in the polls and face the upcoming election with at least a small chance of success.

John Key has been offered Deputy Prime Minister, with Phil Goff confirming rumours that John Key was thinking of retiring from National "if Labour wins the election".

"With John Key on board, we think we've got a great chance of winning and we fully expect John to turn our fortunes around. He has great experience with implementing Labour policy, and brings some fresh new centrist ideas to the mix", said Goff.

Goff has appointed Donald Duck as Shadow Minister of Women's Affairs, suggesting that the popular Disney Character has mainstream appeal and can relate to both younger and older voters. "Assuming he beats the recent groping and sexual assault charges, we think Donald adds a certain amount of integrity over our former line-up".

Goff has also surprised analysts by picking other candidates outside of the traditional Teachers and Unions.

Sir Edmund Hillary has gained the Tourism portfolio and will also run with the Environment. "Sir Ed has an enormous amount of respect, and will inspire all of us to reach the same giddy heights he achieved throughout his long life. It also signals that the Labour Party are prepared to extend the rights on non-discrimination to the dead, proving once again we continue to forge new ground in the field of human rights. Besides, if you check the 2008 election results, Labour had the largest number of votes from dead people by far."

The Foreign Affairs portfolio will be taken up by Chris Carter's suitcase. "Again, there is no question we are not fielding top quality Ministers. Whilst Chris Carter turned out to be a loose canon, it's fair to say his suitcase has seen a lot of the world and his experiences will contribute greatly to our understanding of the world beyond New Zealand's shores." It is understood that the suitcase will be donating his accommodation allowance to the Hector Dolphin and will take up residence in the boot of the new Parliamentary BMWs.

Shane Jones is also back on the front bench after a temporary demotion over using his govt funded expense account to view porn films. "We needed some-one prepared to prostitute himself in dealing with Maori Affairs", explained Goff. "The new motto for these elections will be "lie back and think of tino rangatiratanga. The sooner we accelerate Maori Sovereignty, the sooner we can deal to get a couple of the Maori seats back and win the election without needing the Greens or Winston."

Goff denied that the remaining cabinet positions were being kept open for the Greens and Winston. "That's rubbish" he said. We've already offered them to Sue Bradford and Matt McCarten."

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