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NZ's own Chainsaw Massacre


John Tertullian and Contra Celsum have outdone themselves with a superb piece of writing on the future massacre of trees once the restrictions to cut them down are removed.
Apparently there are caverns and bat caves beneath the civilised streets where lurk a feral breed of people. They are poisoned by a hatred of trees. They each have a chainsaw--which is the initiation requirement to be part of this community of primordial slime. Every now and then one of these hideous miscreants will start his murderous machine up, and the caverns will be rocked with the raucous sound of his instrument of death, while his comrades lick their lips and sway ghoulishly in the half-light.

There is excitement in the caves--not seen for years. Word has been received that the ignorant and cruel government is about to remove from local councils--those noble institutions which keep at bay the dark forces of a long banished past--the power to decree vast swathes of territory as "tree protection zones." Like orcs bred in the caverns of Isengard, the tree killers are poised to swarm up and out, ravaging the countryside with their axes and chainsaws, wreaking their savagery upon innocent trees.

Yes, I too am waiting with my own large saw-toothed pruning knife, waiting for the day when I can chop down every single tree in my backyard, making it a flat, grassy paradise ....

Bahahahahaha!!!!!

Read it all: The Roar of Chainsaws - An Apocalyptic Nightmare ~ Contra Celsum

Comments

  1. Humour aside, the 'Chainsaw-ians' do actually exist. I know, they include family members ;) These are generally people whose desire to 'tidy' land motivates them to clear up those irritating leaf dropping organisms, aka trees. Especially if aforesaid trees don't grow in nice orderly shapes and lines. Sigh.

    Of more concern are the greedy. Property 'developers' (a bizarrely inaccurate label) see significant sized trees as an impediment to their ability to maximise profit from building on all land available. Left to them, all trees would get the chop (except where they live, of course). They usually 'compromise' by offering to replace mature large trees with tiny saplings.

    While councils may not be the best administrators of the guardianship of significant trees, they are better than having no-one as National want.

    And for any 'it's my land' folks out there - trees that hit a certain size (usually 5-6m high) are considered gifted to the community, so you own the land but if you let a tree grow that big you give away the property right to cut it down without community permission (via council). You are totally free to chop trees before they get that big and replant (or not) to avoid this 'gifting', but you can't undo the gifting.

    Why is this 'gifting big trees to community' done? Because once trees are big, they are a significant factor in other people's decisions to move to your area, play and work in that area, and of course act as historic markers that form part of our memories and understanding. They also serve the community's environmental and social goals, with birdnesting, birdfeeding and children play opportunities all offered by these 'community gifted' trees.

    Whew. Hope this adds something! We can joke, but recall John Banks' loony council staff and developers recently tried to change heritage protections for whole suburbs en masse to allow trees and historic homes to get bulldozed for greater density (and profit) housing.

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  2. trees that hit a certain size (usually 5-6m high) are considered gifted to the community, so you own the land but if you let a tree grow that big you give away the property right to cut it down without community permission (via council).

    And therein is the 'incentive' to chop them down early.

    If the council look after public land, then they could try not selling so much of it off that they then dictate how people manage their private land.

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  3. It's not a gift unless it's a free choice. If the "community" takes the tree without your consent, that is theft.

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  4. Bring it on baby, if nothing else it'll bring tears to these tree-hugging pansies.

    ReplyDelete

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