Wednesday, October 19, 2011

ZenTiger Occupy Wall Street declared successful (satire)

New York Times: The Occupy Wall Street (OWS) protest reached unexpected early success today when the banking industry indicated they had taken on board the widespread criticism and offered to reform the financial system by next Tuesday.

The reforms were seen as modest by some but were described as "a good step forwards".  Chairman of Chase Manhattan Bank offered a 10 point plan in response to the OWS protests sweeping the globe:

  1. Government bonds would be scrapped.  Investing in government was an oxymoron, as was government investing
  2. Fiat currency would be abolished and there would be a return to the gold standard
  3. The gold standard would then be abolished, and return to coins minted in the realm of USA, bearing the noble head of Caesar Obama
  4. Caesar Obama would appoint local Lords to ensure the rights of citizens were upheld. A small tithe would fund this activity
  5. The noble head of Caesar Obama would be phased out for glossy beads
  6. Glossy beads would be exchanged for direct barter on the standard of 13 goats to 1 iPhone
  7. The barter system would be supplemented by a simple hunter/gatherer existence
  8. Hunter/Gatherer commerce would be supplemented by marriage between wandering tribes
  9. Inter-tribal marriages would be supplemented by a dowry
  10. In the event the dowry was too small, an iou note would be issued.  Bankers would hold these notes and issue further notes up to 12 times the value of the notes held to the bride and groom in order for them to buy a house or perhaps a share in a commune in the event the hunting and gathering got too onerous.  The bride and groom would repay this loan over time with a small bonus based on a percentage of the value of the loan, allowing bankers to loan this capital to others who wished to improve the land.

News of fiat currency being scrapped in favour of the gold standard as one of the items on the 10 point plan was greeted with wild enthusiasm.  What was better though, was the admission by the banking industry that the gold standard could only be an interim step to a better system.

"The side effect of moving back to the gold system is that the Jews, the Catholic Church, the Masons, and a shadowy global cabal who has Obama in its thrall would all move back into a position of lesser supremacy beyond the complete control they have today.  We realised immediately that this could only be a temporary step on the road to progress, so we instituted an entire 10 point plan, "confessed CEO of Goldman Sachs at the press conference.

OWS protesters were cautiously optimistic, agreeing that a transitional approach as outlined would break the shadowy cabal once and for all, and prevent the other organisations from the close cooperation in planning world dominion they had previously enjoyed.

Inline with the 10 point plan was moves by the financial institution to reform salary and pay packets.  They had come up with a 5 point plan to effect a redraw of wages:

  1. All staff will be paid the same amount of money
  2. All profit will be paid to the government in tax
  3. Any money left over will be donated to renewable energy
  4. CEO's would drive Toyotas or use public transport
  5. Golden parachutes would be replaced with vouchers for Big Macs, and capped at 10

Keith Locke, NZ spokesperson for the OWS remained critical, suggesting that a 5 point wages plan was obviously falling short of a decent 10 point plan, or indeed, a 14 point plan which he thought would be an ideal number of points to manage the financial reform.

"There was nothing in there about ceasing sacrifices of virgins to the demon Baal, nor was there anything about reducing the amount of blood they suck from their customers.  There is the implication that even with communes, we will have to bathe.  I'm also worried that this still leaves the system open to abuse - some companies may choose to exploit human capital and come up with new inventions.  Until we rule out the possibility of inventing the iPhone 8, I remain convinced this level of reform is just window dressing."

Obama praised the financial industry for making the hard decisions.  It paved the way for the government to spend more without fear of financial management, or "business as usual" as many preferred to call it.  Obama did admit that the Federal Reserve was now recommending a supplementary tithing system and demanding the first born from every family is provided to the state at age 14 in order to assist with the planned crusades.

Gareth Hughes, NZ Green Party said the OWS movement indicated that it would be prudent to call for a moratorium on deep sea drilling.


3 comment(s):

Redbaiter said...

Snort- great stuff Zen.

MathewK said...

"There is the implication that even with communes, we will have to bathe."

No matter how good the 10/14 point plan, the morons will eventually grow to resent and eventually reject the plan, bathing to these retards is like abortion to their leftist puppet masters. A cause for war.

Dave Mann said...

Many a true word is spoken in jest...

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