Friday, October 14, 2011

ZenTiger Our worst disaster

The spells of protection woven by Druid Rod Donald and High Priestess Jeanette Fitzsimmons have crumbled following a year of inadequate sacrifice to Gaea, explained Metiria to a New Zealand public awash in a sea of black crude.

"Mother Earth calls for a higher ETS" confirmed the Ginger Druid, Russel Norman. "This is what you get when you don't vote Green". Ironically, the point that the Greens wanted to dramatically expand coastal shipping and expose NZ to further accidents such as this only underscored the Greens effort to appear ecologically business friendly coming up to the election. "Nothing stronger regulations and taxes couldn't prevent" thundered a Green supporter.

"And more money spent on the bureaucracy of Maritime affairs", piped in Goff from the sidelines.

Local iwi were also apparently helpless to stop thousands of litres bubbling out into the foreshore and seabed. "We are natural guardians and custodians of the land, but we haven't received enough koha from the government to cast powerful enough protections" said a nameless iwi representative from Rifle Range Road, near Whakatane. Councils have been frustrated that the tens of thousands of dollars invested with iwi precisely for this purpose appear to be for naught. Said a Council worker: "I just don't understand it - on one hand we removed the crosses from the wall in the name of secularism, and on the other hand we funded Maori paganism and yet - this!"

Even science was left helpless in this assault on nature. "We have the technology to clean up this mess, but the oil seems to not be subject to the laws of science, instead conforming to the laws of Murphy as things go from incredibly bad to worse.

The Dominion Post has run headlines that dare speak the truth: "Our Worst Disaster" proclaimed yesterday's news, surprising few people who had lived through the recent Christchurch quakes, who nodded their heads wisely. As did the relations of those lost at Erebus, the Wahine, the mining disasters and many people who had attempted to purchase 1kg of cheese for under $10. Even our appalling record on child abuse seemed trivial as NZ contemplated having to divert their holiday from Mt Maunganui to the Bay of Islands, or hope that Gisborne District Council could rope off a small section of the beach around the corner by January.

Maori Party Leader, Turia said even the Maori holocaust paled into insignificance.

"Those white mo-fo's" said Hone, but he says that every-day.

Today's headlines heightened the fears that this event will convince the entire world that NZ is no longer clean and green. "Blackened Brand" the Dom Post again roared on the front page, reporting in a clinically factual and understated way that is the hallmark of good reporting we have come to recognize in the last bastion of truth speakers for the public good. A completely accurate and factual full colour, completely black crude oil map of NZ surrounded in a sea of white sand took up most of the front page, as if to underscore the irrefutable hopelessness of the situation.

Whilst 99% of the thousands of tourists in the country have not yet noticed the oil lapping at their feet at Mount Eden park, they too have seen the wide angle lens photographs of a sea scape under threat, and horrifying TV news close ups of normal citizens being exposed to carcinogens more toxic than anything the Japanese have experienced in the somewhat trivial nuclear core meltdown.

All thoughts of Happy Feet have fled, as petrels, albatrosses, terns, gulls, kea and possibly yellow canaries (though who could tell?) are found dead after flying too close to the ocean they used to call pristine, according to a twitter account. Although it turned out the Kea had died from 1080 poisoning, DoC didn't want to rule out the possibility it had been triggered first by the oil spill and was re-opening the investigation.

It's doubtful John Key's popularity will survive this crushing blow, and the Rugby World Cup is now in serious doubt as the team are reportedly completely demoralised by this huge disaster.

No-one ever thought for a moment that wearing black would become a national reminder of our shame.

4 comment(s):

Lucia Maria said...

Don't know why the incoming links aren't showing up.

You've been linked to from Kiwiblog and PM of NZ that I've noticed so far.

ZenTiger said...

It suddenly occurred to me people would assumed I just made up things like the Dominion Post headline of "Our Worst Disaster" as part of the satire, so I photographed the pages and popped them in.

For some reason, the DomPost weren't so brave to use the same headline in the online edition. Or do they hide the hard hitting journalism behind a pay wall?

homepaddock said...

Whoops - the All Blacks just won the semi-final, that wasn't in the doomsayers' script.

But some players slipped - has the oil slick reached Eden Park?

ZenTiger said...

That would be a reasonably good theory.

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