Get that city a phone booth

Get that city a phone booth! We have a giant Tarantula to fight. Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning.

Wellington City Council has announced the Auckland Super City model an unqualified success - even before we've seen the current hydra beheaded, beheaded and beheaded.

No, I haven't started on my satire yet, this part is fact. Anyway, back to Wellington later.

The idea is that as each head is lopped off, one big head emerges. Bigger, brainier, toothier and cheekier. The only double-up will be the forked tongue.

My worry is the new head will simply be bigger, fatter, hungrier and requiring of greater sacrifices.

It's like calling the exterminator to get rid of a cockroach infestation, and he does it by delivering a giant tarantula.

After it's eaten the cockroaches (and I'm not specifically talking about councilors) it then looks for tastier morsels, such as rate payers and "users". It's like a cross between a B grade horror movie and a Tarintino revenge flick.

"Oh user, you will pay. Oh yes, you will pay."

Maori have requested reserved three saddles on the back of this monster. Another 17 saddles remain to be filled in by whoever rate payers vote for. The idea is that we can ride this beast by pulling in the direction we want to go. I presume here that 20 super councilors will all pull in the same direction.

Not to fear if they head the wrong way however, because up to 30 community boards will be around to argue over directions. It's more likely they'll just slow the beast down, rather than direct it.

Now I'm not sure if a pet Tarantula is a good or bad thing for Auckland. It's too early to tell. Which is probably the point of this post.

Conceptually, it is a good thing because what they have now doesn't seem to be working. I define working as being able to get to work in under 4 hours by bus, car or train. It's only one of many definitions though, and going through the list would only reveal the cockroach infestation is real.

But I digress; back to Wellington City Council. They, and others, have declared the super city model a raging success and are so keen to do exactly what Auckland has done, they want to do it first.

Going first is an interesting way to avoid making the same mistakes, but surely, there are other ways?

So now I get to my satirical thought.

April 2015 - New Super Council for New Zealand announced

The Lord Mayor for Auckland Super City has declared a common currency will be put in place so that all other councils around New Zealand may join the Auckland Common Market. Border restrictions will be lifted, and passports will no longer be required for people traveling into and out of the Auckland Region.

Said the Lord Mayor:

"This heralds a new dawn in the International Trading Department of Auckland Super Council and gives our poorer neighbours to the North and South the ability to come on board and form a common market.

I can see this as an important first step to amalgamation across the country, and Lower East Auckland (formerly Tauranga) will benefit through Closer Economic Relations with Rotorua, Whakatane and Taupo.

It no longer makes sense for there to be duplication of services via a Wellington Super City and South Island Super City, and we will be announcing a phased merger plan once we have carefully and thoroughly studied the change management programme.

Oh, it seems as if the change management programme we started at the beginning of this announcement has now been completed and the results are in.

The Wellington Councilors will form a new advisory board.

It will be called the "Advisory Role for Scrutiny of Economical Kontrol and Integrated City Kommunications, Environment and Development" (ARSE-KICKED).

The South Island Super City staff will now be in charge of holding tourists in the country for an extra 30 days by showing them the wondrous beauty of New Zealand, such as the New Vale Coal Mines and Tiwai smelter.

The injection of capital via this increased tourism should raise enough funds to complete the new Auckland bicycle track, which has captured the hearts and minds of Aucklanders still stuck in traffic since the Super City first started charging road tolls.

Thank you for voting Super City."

The latest amalgamation of the three councils into one super, New Zealand wide council adds new pressure on calls to scrap the 'federal' government and electoral seats.

"Having a government is just another layer of bureaucracy that rate payers are, quite frankly, sick and tired of. I think our proposal to set up an advisory board on political and legal issues should be enough to see us through. I've already offered John Key and the National Party 5 seats on this board, and the Maori party will of course get 3 seats. The remaining 10 will be decided via our democratic online polling system."

--Ends

Related Link: Get that city a phone booth

See also: Why Auckland Needs Reforming

And of course: What do you want local government to do