The psychiatrist is in (5c)

Being a world famous blogger in a very small corner of New Zealand, I often get letters and emails seeking my sage advice.

I have decided to publish some of these letters (hiding the surname) because it would seem the issues raised are actually very common to many people, and I trust such advice would be beneficial to our readers who find themselves in a similar situation.

Dear Zen

I have been holding down a part time job for a few months now, and I see that the minimum wage is at least $12.75 per hour, with a proposal to get it to $15.00 per hour supported by many intelligent people, such as Jeanette Fitzsimmons. My current employer on the other hand only pays around $8 per hour. What do you suggest I do?

Dear X. Thanks for your note. I did a little digging around and found out a few interesting facts. It seems your story is rather one sided. You fail to mention several fringe benefits and perks that could arguably be taken into account as part of the pay package.

Your employer provides on-site entertainment facilities such as a Playstation, DVD player and a wide selection of books. A taxi service is at your disposal. Medical insurance and sports fees are taken care of. The hours are flexible and minimal. Apparently room and board is supplied, as is a laundry service. All money is paid "under the table" and is thus tax free (and I note a current loophole in the law still allows this, so your employer is still legal, for now.

Now quit mucking around and mow the lawn son or I'll cut back on your allowance.

PS: Jeannette has just retired on a cushy MP salary pension that, according to her logic only serves to accentuate the huge divide between the poor and the wealthy. I can't afford to pay you any more. Consider yourself a victim of socialism. See if you can get a dollar from Mum for cleaning the car.

Dear Zen

I'm not paranoid, but I think people are really out to get me. The Jews. The Police. The Right Wing Bloggers. All of them. I have proof. I have been continually harassed and persecuted and I've done nothing wrong. Why is this happening in a free country? I'll tell you why, it's all a sham. It's a fascist state and if I can just get my side of the story out, maybe Amnesty International or some-one can fight for my rights. I know you have contacts, possibly all the way up to the Vatican. You don't seem to be as deranged as some of the others, maybe you can put in a good word for me, as the Pope writes the policy that is set in Washington and delivered directly to Brash who pulls Key's strings. What do you suggest I do?

Dear John. An email would have sufficed. If you wish to remain anonymous, then shouting out the above message at 1 in the morning using a megaphone is just a wee bit over the top. I suggest you keep the tinfoil hat on and hide in a cave in the only free country left in the world - Afghanistan. You know it's really paradise there, and the news media have hyped it up because our armed forces are really in top secret ops in Palestine, oppressing the freedom loving Hamas Eco-Warriors. PS: See if KL wants to go with you.


Dear Zen

I'm an ordinary bloke doing an ordinary job in an ordinary way for an ordinary pay. And yet I just seem to connect to the ordinary man on the street, who would quite likely be my neighbour should I move into an ordinary suburb. I ride a motorbike, which any ordinary bloke would respect. I have the full support of my local church, The Katanas or Ratanas or something like that, and yet I feel like things are extraordinarily dismal. Please help.

Dear Phil. Your predecessor understood that to be popular and competent you need to be able to pay the price. That price unfortunately, wasn't met by simple bribes, and false gifts. It wasn't met by robbing Peter to pay Paul, and then robbing Paul and blaming Peter. No, all that was merely a diversion from the real price. The real price is being out of power for the next 2 elections. Look around you. Where exactly is your predecessor? Out of the country, earning half a million US dollars tax free, awards and honours coming thick and fast, with a patsy left behind to take the fallout. There's nothing ordinary about your fate, and you may yet earn kudos for taking it with extraordinary grace. Chin up. At a pinch, you could review core party values from 50 years ago and consider a radical reversal of manifesto.



[Note: I'm pleased to add that my son's attitude to work is actually not at all as portrayed above - he is grateful for the opportunity to earn a bit of extra pocket money on the side. He seems to have my sense of humour so he may well find the post amusing. Or I'll have to be careful walking near the sprinklers. For the next 50 years.]